Today, as I sat in my car, balling my eyes out because of the final exam that I was certain I failed, I realized something. It’s just a stupid test. I had not even received my grade yet, and I was already having a panic attack. Sure, it’s a big test… it determines whether or not I get to stay in the nursing program or have to start over… but it’s still a test nonetheless. After calling my husband, and my parents for comfort, I finally did what I should have done from the start. I went to God. As I was praying for his mercy to somehow allow me to pass that stupid pharmacology test, it began to dawn on me… I didn’t take that test for me. If I was going to college to be a nurse for me, well, I would have dropped out along time ago (and believe me… I thought about it…).
When I first started nursing school, I became very depressed. I never understood how young people like me, who are blessed with a seemingly wonderful life could be depressed, but I finally began to get just a glimpse of what it was like. I was a newlywed, and by no means should I have felt alone, but I did. I felt like there was no one I could go to, no one who understood the stress I was under. I’ve never struggled with school. My whole life I’ve been lucky enough to make excellent grades just by binge watching Netflix and cramming a few hours the night before. When I got to nursing school, I had a very rude awakening. I could study for hours on end for a week straight, and still just make a C. I started putting myself down, and I would feel guilty anytime I was doing anything but studying. Do you know what that is like? To feel as if you constantly have to be putting yourself through immense stress, only stopping to breakdown in tears? I did. I was doing it. I stopped the binge watching of Netflix, cut down my hours serving tables, and put all my efforts toward school; but I was still depressed, and I still wasn’t performing like I wanted to…
Like so many times before, after everything else had failed, I finally started to shift my focus towards God. I begged Him to help me with my studies, to give me peace, and to take away the anxiety. At first, I didn’t think anything was improving. I still felt my hands shaking and the butterflies fluttering in my stomach before and during a test, but my grades started to improve. And after taking the final I think I
failed, while crying out to God in my car, I felt peace. I knew the anxiety would still be there while taking a test, I knew I would still be nervous, stressed, and somewhat overwhelmed; however, I realized that God’s got my back. I’ve passed tests I should’ve failed (and was certain I did), only because of His grace. If he wants me to succeed with this nursing program, then I’ll pass that stupid test. If I fail, maybe He allowed me to experience this season of my life to help me grow and seek after Him, or maybe He just has something better in store.
Whatever the future holds, it doesn’t matter, because He is the one who holds it.
So I’m just going to do what I should’ve done a long time ago and “Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. (God knows, I did not understand that pharmacology test) In all my ways, I’m going to acknowledge Him, and He will direct my paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6). For too long, I was trying to do this myself, but I’m not doing this for ME. I’m doing it for HIM, and to HELP OTHERS when they need it most. Afterall, that’s what nursing is all about.